I haven't been very present online for months as far as the podcast goes. I'm burned out. It's really not uncommon and definitely not surprising. But it isn't just the podcast, it's my life in general. I'm someone to everyone. I'm a wife who supports my husband and is always falling short in my own eyes of being the wife he deserves. I'm a mom of the most beautiful, expressive, intelligent daughter and I feel like I'm always failing as a mom. I'm a daughter who can never please her father or live up to what I feel they want me to be. I'm a animal caretaker that feels like I never spend enough time with them just 'being'. It's always feeding, worrying about them, and putting time with them off for another day that never comes. I'm a podcaster that failed listeners because I can't get my ass motivated to want to talk about things anymore.
To be honest, the world is so fucked up right now that I feel like anything I have to say about witchcraft or my specific interests just don't matter anymore. Here in the US, state governments are destroying the rights of their citizens and there's a new disaster every day. And the mass shootings, just why? Plus we still have COVID and whatever new virus is out there to threaten our lives.
It's like I've come to a screeching halt because I realize how small I am in the scheme of things and how small the podcast is and the subjects I have spoken on. Every time I get a bit of inspiration for an episode I drop it because it feels pointless and tiresome now. I am not complaining for the sake of complaining, I'm simply stating my truths. I know some of my listeners have to be wondering what the hell is going on with the podcast and I am here to tell you I don't know.
I want to do things that mean more. I don't yet know what that is or how to go about it but that is where I'm at mentally at the moment.
Then there's the overwhelming urge to sell all my belongings and leave to a destination I don't even care where as long as it isn't anywhere I've been before. It's so strong. My therapist would ask me what I'm running from. I quit going to therapy but that's what he would say. I am pondering that. Why do I want to run away? What is scaring me or making me feel like fleeing is the best option? Maybe it's the move to my husband's ranch? I do feel trapped here. I am an outsider here. We don't own this house, the ranch does. I don't own the barn my horses are standing outside of, the ranch does. At least we own the house in town, it's ours to do whatever the fuck we want with. I'm grateful we do have this house on the ranch we live in, it's quiet and the animals are so happy here. But it doesn't feel like home. I've never felt like I have a true home. That's my own baggage though and no one's fault. But it still sucks.
So what is scaring me? Fear is usually at the root of 'negative' emotions. I use quotes there because I don't necessarily believe that emotions are negative, they just are emotions. We have them and can't help having the feelings we do. So what is it? I'm trying to figure that out as I write here.
I'm afraid that if I don't do the podcast and have a way to bring in money for the household that I'm worth nothing to my family. I'm afraid that if I don't do the podcast then I'm without identity or purpose. Who am I if I'm not Witchy Woman? What value do I bring to the household if I can't bring in money to help support us? For those who say, just go get a regular job, I can't here. I've tried and literally been told no because customers may not want to come to their business due to me being who I am: a witch. Yes I know that's illegal but I'm not going to work somewhere that doesn't want me.
I am afraid of losing my place to live. If something bad happened and my husband passed away, my in-laws would kick me out. I'd be homeless and so would all the animals that depend on me to take care of them. I'm terrified of being left homeless.
I'm afraid that I'll die unfulfilled. I'm afraid that I'll let each day slip by and not been able to do anything to fill my soul. I miss excitement and meaning. I miss doing things that push myself beyond the boundaries of comfort. So I'm afraid of living a small life?
I'm afraid that my husband sees me as a burden. I'm a chaos gremlin with ADHD and he's organization and responsibility personified. I hate myself for what I can't make myself do. Those with ADHD will know what I mean. I want to be organized. I want to be that person my husband prefers, but I'm not. Yes, I've spoken to him about this but in my mind he's placating me because there's nothing he can do to 'fix' me, so he just says he loves me and things are fine. But are they?
I'm finding some insights as I write this and am grateful that I have this ability to find clarity in typed out words. My thoughts are mostly a tornado in my head, just swirling and causing destruction. The more I try to make sense out of it all the worse damage it does to the whole issue. But writing is different for me. It allows me to find some sort of organization to it all and find truths about myself that are hidden in the depths of a 1000 thought streams. For this I'm thankful.
So am I going through a mid-life crisis? Is it because of the pandemic and the after affects? Is it because I'm 43 and faced with my own mortality? Is it because my whole life I've been told that my value is directly connected to the amount of money that I bring to the household? Is it all of that? Probably.
What do I do about it? I'm not sure. I am going to the Dr in a few weeks for blood tests and a wellness check just to rule out any new hormone changes or things that could be exacerbating my mental/physical issues lately. I am checking in with my shrink more often for obvious reasons. I don't see a therapist anymore but I do have to have a psychiatrist because I take depression meds, and they keep tabs on me. I'm taking more spiritual baths, meditating more, and trying to reconnect to my spirituality in hopes that maybe this is just another spiritual awakening type phase I am going through. Whatever is happening, it sucks. If anyone else is going through similar things, I'm hugging you virtually. I feel like if I got the right hug, I'd fall to pieces like I need to. But, I can't because people and animals need me. Maybe that's all I need, just a safe space to fall apart so I can rebuild myself.