My emotions, my body, even my words have felt simultaneously caged and out of control for over a month now. Goals are muddy and distant one moment and turned inside out the next. Not knowing what my mind is trying to tell my heart and vice versa. The frustration that is felt from this is like a thousand hot irons inside my body branding my insides with wrong turns and rushed actions. The uncertainty and lack of absolute clarity of my own thoughts is torture to this form I am, born to the celestial bodies I entered this world under.
The world around me has created a sense of false urgency that I ran with and created a tension inside of me that was consuming me, small bits of myself until I felt the burning from the loss. Losing myself wasn’t happening in one big cataclysmic event, it was slow and of my own doing.
The rain came this morning to wash away and renew the land and those who choose to dare to ask for the clarity that comes from it. I found a soft blanket and walked outside barefoot and in my nightgown to my outdoor meditation space. Face to the sky I readied myself for the stripping of my pain, masks, walls, and false narratives I’ve been clinging to with a sense of urgency so tight that my physical body was trembling with exhaustion. The rain was soaking my hair, melting my clothes to my breasts, and my face already had tears mixing with the rain drops. I reached my hands to the sky to meet the rain, asking for clarity and to be renewed no matter the cost. This I was sure of; I needed to find myself and the cost was worth it.
When I felt my heart open up I placed the blanket on the ground, slipped off my nightgown, and laid face down. The rain, the birds, the slight breeze making its way through the branches of the pine trees was soothing and soon I slipped into a meditative state. I could feel each drop of rain sliding off my body and with that drop went something I was holding onto that was harming me in some way. The release felt freeing but also that I was mourning. I knew some things in my life would be ending. But I let those things go in that moment because I loved myself enough. Small drop at a time the being I truly am was able to breathe again. Once I felt that it was like the skies opened up a bit more to wash the rest away and empower me to be who I’m meant to be; a wild and passionate woman afraid of nothing but living a life unfulfilled.
I turned to face the sky and rain and felt my heartspace open up even more fully, so much that I could feel it in a physical sense in my chest. With each breath and rising and falling of my breasts, the more empowered I felt. The water was chilly now and invigorating as it fell over my stomach and lower parts of my body. It washed away shame, doubt, guilt, expectations of others, pressure of society, and so much more. Liberating isn’t a strong enough word for the transformation that occurred in that space in my yard today.
I released the urge to rush things when it isn't necessary. I was told to savor the experiences that spark passion and curiosity. To allow them to wash over me like the gentle rain that was covering my body. The journey truly is the point. My soul was meant to express sensuality, intelligence, curiosity, love, generosity, and a zest for life itself. I forgot all of that. I was reminded of my divine feminine that lives within me, ready to light the world on fire or just the bedroom. I can not be caged and I will not suffer a life of mediocrity. This I know with every fiber of my being. I know what I want and I am excited for the journey that it takes me to get there and beyond.