Being 43 is weird. I don't feel like I'm in my 40s most of the time. My body feels it, but my mind doesn't. I find myself comparing where I'm at in life and my troubles to those that my parents at this age. Did they feel like this? I feel frustrated with myself for not being at peace with where I'm at, who I am, and where I'm going with my life. Did they feel this intense ball of emotion that sometimes has me wondering who the hell I am? My mom isn't in my life and my dad isn't much of a talker, so I'll never know the answer to that question but I'm guessing they did feel this at some point.
I want a home. Some place that I feel like I belong. I have a house. I also acknowledge that those sentences are dripping with privilege. I should be expressing my gratitude for having a safe and comfortable house to live in. Don't get me wrong, I AM grateful for a house and our amenities that come with it. I just don't belong here and that sucks. I want a community I can participate in and feel welcome. I yearn to be surrounded by people that have open minds and hearts, that don't hurt others because they look or act differently. That isn't here. Sometimes the conservative vacuum we live in feels like it's snuffing out that spark within myself. I don't allow it too. I catch it most times before I get too dim. But it is exhausting living somewhere that I have to work so hard at just not being sad and scared. I go from one day being hopeful and the next searching online for a remote island to move to, knowing that something like that is just a distraction from reality. But it's fun to dream and visualize a whole different life somewhere else.
We moved into this house November 2022 and we still aren't completely moved and unpacked. One of the issues is the harsh winter we've had. Another is that we have to fit a 2 bedroom home with two garages worth of stuff into less than half of the space. We need to donate a lot more clothes and other items because we simply can't fit much more into this house. It's frustrating and liberating at the same time. I've purged my belongings and lightened my load of belongings. That feels good to own less 'stuff'. But every time we go back to the other house in town to move more things, I have become saddened by the whole thing. I love my yard I worked hard to take care of. My flowerbeds, blueberry bushes, the lilacs (omg I am so missing my lilacs), and the trees that protected our house are all very much a loss I'm feeling. It's the only house I've ever had that no one could take away. My husband and I own it and now I'm at the mercy of his family while we are living here on the ranch. I feel grateful to live out here in the country and love having my animals with me every day. It's beautiful and fairly peaceful in the little house on the ranch. But it's not home. I'm trying, but it's not home.
I'm putting energy into planning my garden here and planting seeds that will be transferred to this future garden once the weather is warmer. I've been painting the rooms here and decorating more to our style and that has helped feel a bit more comfortable. But I have restrictions because again, this isn't my home, this is the Ranch's house. So my ability to make the house our home has limits that I don't control. I feel trapped. I'm not, but this situation has created this energy around it that feels suffocating.
I desperately need to change this. I need to focus on what I CAN change instead of what I can't. I don't have a sense of community where I live. I can change that. I can create a community. I am lonely. I can change that as well.
I'm to an age and place in my life that I want to do things for me, not make every decision with myself being a secondary priority. I'm trying to do that but I've found it very difficult to retrain myself. The responsibilities and anchors I have built in my lifetime are becoming an obstacle to creating a life for myself and my family that I truly want. I think that's why I haven't published any new podcast episodes. Every time I go to plan an episode it's not for me, my first thoughts are around what listeners want to hear: not what do I want to talk about or share. Until that changes, I shouldn't put episodes out or they won't be genuine content. I don't want to placate the masses by putting out content for the sake of content. I want to be inspired again!
And so I am here to say I don't know when the next episode will be out, but I suspect sooner than later. Pluto has made its move today and I feel the shift. I'm feeling more driven to push through and make my own change. I have some ideas and a friend has been very helpful with stoking my creativity and getting ideas flowing.
I'm also creating a community locally by forming an official Coven here. We are few in numbers so far but I am expecting some growth as the months get a bit warmer and we all want to get out and experience things. I'm being picky about who I invite because I want a safe and supportive group of witches. This is all new to me and I'm sure I'll fuck up at some point trying to lead and teach others but I'm ready for it. My hopes for this Coven is not just for us to be a witchy group of friends but to learn and grown together. I want us to be the community that stands up for rights of others that are being stomped by all levels of government; activist witches!
This is the era in my life I'm shedding my mask that I wear for the sake of others and their comfort. This is the cycle of my being that I do what I feel is right for myself. I'm not a fluffy love and light witch. Do I care about others and still want to bring healing to those who need it? Absolutely. But I will choose to live deliciously and allow my life to create around me to my liking. I'll bend and form the environment around me to serve my goals, needs, and desires. No longer will I craft an image of myself that soothes the insecurities of those minds that can not handle my true being. I will stop allowing guilt to rule my choices.
Who told you that doing things for yourself to make your own life better was 'selfish'? I know that I learned it early on from my mother and from the Baptist church, and she learned it from her mother and from the Methodist church. It goes on and on. It's reinforced by being taught by my mother than men come first. I don't think she intended on teaching me that but her actions did. My dad taught me through overheard conversations with his friends that were laced with misogyny, often objectifying and making sexist comments about each other's wives. When I was forced to go to church the doom and gloom stories of being selfish and not serving others resulting in burning in hellfire for eternity was branded into my brain at an early age. Serve their god, serve others, and women keep your mouths shut. That's what I learned. I'm going to spend the rest of my time here on this planet reversing that narrative for myself. I'm going to wear that dress, get that tattoo, speak up for myself and others that don't have a voice, and I'm going to live deliciously.
I have one last thought I want to share. If you started making choices based on what you REALLY want rather than what you feel is expected of you, how would your life change?